First Post

Hello everybody who will read this blog in the future!

This is an experimental project of mine, which I started because I began, lately, to experience an increasing discomfort with my body. I have been in recovery from an eating disorder for about four years, and after I began my recovery, I noticed myself paying less and less attention to my body and how it was changing as I moved along the road to health. I saw this as a positive thing; I was letting go of all the negative behaviors, thoughts, and feelings I associated with myself and my body. And this was wonderful, terrifying, freeing, anxiety-inducing, and exhilarating. And then, life got in the way. I was too busy doing all the things that I didn’t allow myself to do before: making friends, going out, having fun, trying to be a normal teenager at the age of 17. I went to college early, and made friends who hadn’t been to therapy for the last three years of their lives, who could talk about clothing sizes without being told it was against the rules (unlike in group therapy, where you aren’t allowed to use numbers), who could drink and eat junk food and have a blast. I “fell in love” for the first time, or thought I did. I didn’t have the time nor the patience to evaluate how I was feeling about my body and about my post-recovery-process weight gain. So I ignored it. I never thought about my body or how it looked, except to criticize it from time to time when I was feeling particularly vulnerable.

And now, here I am, three years later, still feeling bad about my body and the way I look. Because I never did the work to feel better about myself when I had more of an opportunity and a full, well-rounded treatment team. Sometimes, I feel like these feelings will haunt me for the rest of my life, sneaking up on me in the shower or in the bedroom, tearing down my precarious tower of self-confidence and bringing it crashing, spectacularly, to the ground. But then, sometimes, I almost feel ok about my body, and that gives me hope.

I want to go ahead and ask anyone reading this to think about doing a guest post on my blog about your attitude towards your body after being in recovery for a year or more, and how you’ve dealt with body acceptance. If you have never had an eating disorder, you are still welcome to submit an entry for review on the topic of body image and movement from negative body image to positive body image.

My next post will outline my plan of action to start feeling better about myself. Wish me luck, and thanks for reading!