Short Musings

I've noticed, since I've tried to become more mindful, that the times when I feel badly about my body are when I'm tired, cranky, or feel like I've just been insulted, or someone doesn't appreciate my efforts. It's mostly when I feel like some insult has been paid to my abilities, or my personality, or my intellect, and that's when I start to feel badly about my body. I see the connection; my body is the "easiest" thing to change about myself, and the thing I have the most control over.

I've been talking up the blog to several of my friends, and the response has been very positive. I've also gotten a lot of people to agree to write a guest blog, which I'm excited about. I have people writing from all different view points, and I think they will add some interesting flavors into the mix of insights.

Being more mindful is difficult, but I'm plugging along. :)

Goals

These are some of the goals I have, both long term and short term, to help myself feel better about my body.

1. Evaluate how I'm feeling about my body throughout the day, in the morning, afternoon, and before I go to bed. If I'm feeling negatively towards it, ask myself why, and what triggered the negativity.
2. Start working out three times a week to give me more energy and to feel healthier and better about my choices. 
3. Start eating more healthily, and at regular times. Eating little snacks between meals to curb outrageous hunger. 
4. Sleep more. Go to bed earlier, and take meletonin if I can't sleep so I can get 8-10 hours a night so that I feel good and not cranky.
5. Make some pretty colored signs that give me encouragement, say positive things about me, and post them around my mirror, on my walls, and in my car. 
6. Take my medication every day.
7. Quit smoking. (This is more of a long term goal, one I will address when I feel  like I have everything else under control.)
8. Do things outside of my comfort zone. Wear more dresses, more heels, more sassy stuff that looks good on me but makes me uncomfortable. Get outside my box.
9. Take things slow. I have a tendency to be a very instant gratification type person. I can't do all of this overnight.
10. If I forget to do one of these goals that I'm working on, then I will try and forgive myself and move on, not just give up and berate myself. Try and try again.

These are the things that I want to work on. I am planning on taking these things one at a time, starting with number one, but I may not necessarily go in order for the rest of the items on my list. I'm also not going to set a time limit for them. I'm doing this for me, and at my own pace.

First Post

Hello everybody who will read this blog in the future!

This is an experimental project of mine, which I started because I began, lately, to experience an increasing discomfort with my body. I have been in recovery from an eating disorder for about four years, and after I began my recovery, I noticed myself paying less and less attention to my body and how it was changing as I moved along the road to health. I saw this as a positive thing; I was letting go of all the negative behaviors, thoughts, and feelings I associated with myself and my body. And this was wonderful, terrifying, freeing, anxiety-inducing, and exhilarating. And then, life got in the way. I was too busy doing all the things that I didn’t allow myself to do before: making friends, going out, having fun, trying to be a normal teenager at the age of 17. I went to college early, and made friends who hadn’t been to therapy for the last three years of their lives, who could talk about clothing sizes without being told it was against the rules (unlike in group therapy, where you aren’t allowed to use numbers), who could drink and eat junk food and have a blast. I “fell in love” for the first time, or thought I did. I didn’t have the time nor the patience to evaluate how I was feeling about my body and about my post-recovery-process weight gain. So I ignored it. I never thought about my body or how it looked, except to criticize it from time to time when I was feeling particularly vulnerable.

And now, here I am, three years later, still feeling bad about my body and the way I look. Because I never did the work to feel better about myself when I had more of an opportunity and a full, well-rounded treatment team. Sometimes, I feel like these feelings will haunt me for the rest of my life, sneaking up on me in the shower or in the bedroom, tearing down my precarious tower of self-confidence and bringing it crashing, spectacularly, to the ground. But then, sometimes, I almost feel ok about my body, and that gives me hope.

I want to go ahead and ask anyone reading this to think about doing a guest post on my blog about your attitude towards your body after being in recovery for a year or more, and how you’ve dealt with body acceptance. If you have never had an eating disorder, you are still welcome to submit an entry for review on the topic of body image and movement from negative body image to positive body image.

My next post will outline my plan of action to start feeling better about myself. Wish me luck, and thanks for reading!